Ever notice how all gay bookstores and shops seem to have the word Out, Rainbow or Proud in their name? We used to have one here in Huntsville called Rainbow's LTD. It was good to have one right here, but eventually, and you know the story, two lesbians open store, two lesbians move store from a good location to an undesireable one, one drunk man runs car through store afterhours, two lesbians and the rest of the city are driving to Nashville for gay stuff. But that wasn't the only reason the store closed. I think the patrons saw the store solely as a business venture. They failed to recognize that in a city as small as Huntsville, this shop was about more than just freedom rings or the monthly copy of Inches. It was an oasis for the community.

Gaydar

Discreet Elite- Perfect for the closet student or “bi-curious” husband. Available in only one color- red. Able to detect other gays within a range of up to twenty feet and how to avoid them, unless the motive is discreet sex. Allows you to stay away or act uncomfortable around others of the same sex who are reportedly gay. Warning- This model may cause the user to protesteth too much about the gay lifestyle. This is normal and can be remedied with an upgrade. Caution- The use of alcohol may greatly reduce or completely inhibit the performance of this model. Requirements- The gay gene and a trophy girlfriend or wife. Price- Your happiness and pride.

Freedom Elite- This model is like a whole new pair of eyes! Though not as powerful as the Nexnad Elite model, you’ll finally be able to spot family from a distance of up to 100 feet. Allow others with the same model or better to notice you, as well. As a bonus, this model fills the owner full of confidence and pride. Best of all, this upgrade remedies all of the bugs of the lower model. Special Feature- Chicken Hawk Guard- Rebuke and send away those older men who use their Nexnad Elite models to take advantage of new users. Requirements- The desire not to live in silence. Price- One closet door.

Deluxe Nexnad Gaydar Elite- The strongest model offered. Allows you to pick out other gays from a distance of over 100 yards and even behind you. See through the gay camouflage of business suits and police uniforms. Impress friends by choosing the two gay people from among thirty still photos. Become invaluable to straight girls as they use you to screen potential mates. Includes the bonus ability to notice that young guy at Burger King staring at the cute guy in front of him. But not just that, when he does see you are watching him, it will send an instant signal to even the oldest and least developed of models that says “Yes, I know.” Available in a variety of fashionable colors. Requirements- Out status to everyone, including the folks back home. Price- The tears, exhilaration, and excitement of living a life completely free.

Gaydar- For Straights

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Anxietizer 3000- Hey, straight guys, are you tired living your life only noticing the stares and advances of those of the opposite sex? Well, this model will change your life. All of a sudden, you’ll notice the stare of that man who moves just a little too lightly. Enjoy the admiration of men that have always looked at you, but you’ve just never noticed. You’ll learn to enjoy the attention. Requirements- Someone close coming out and bringing the subject of homosexuality to the forefront of your life. Price- One gay family member or friend.

Hagmaker 195A- Be the envy of all your fellow fag hags. Perfect for the fruit fly on the move. Are you a hag without a fag? This model will help you find that man you’ve always been looking for. It can locate lycra and lace from a distance of almost fifty feet. It will allow you to laugh at all of his jokes, no matter how lame they are. Become his puppet easily. Fall in love and become a burden. Then, when discarded, this model is reusable to find the next prospect. Requirements- Low self-esteem, codependency, and a long history of rejection. Price- All of your dignity.

Pink Wands

Quick Hit 1504- Hey, straight girls, looking for that perfect guy? Are you not afraid just to keep on trying? Well, this model will allow you to find that man who respects you for your mind, not body. A man who can sing all of the songs in “Funny Girl” right along with you. One who cares and understands your feelings. The only guy you’ve ever met who enjoys going shopping with you at Lane Bryant or even August Max woman. Durable and long lasting, this model is for the tenacious and optimistic woman. It can be utilized repeatedly and is perfect for multiple and very short-lived uses. Comes with matching pink-shaded glasses. Requirements- High threshold for pain and plenty of denial. Price- Any prospect of a normal, healthy heterosexual relationship.

DecadeDash 10- Are you afraid to be alone? Are you willing to give up true happiness just to have a husband to come home to you, even if it’s only a few nights a week? Are you willing to cry yourself to sleep every night while your husband is out with “the guys” again? Then this is the model for you. Through special technology available in trailer parks for years but only recently available to you, this model works in conjunction with the Discreet Elite model to find that perfect man to give you years of anxiety before finally leaving for someone much younger, tighter, and male-er than you. As a bonus, it allows you to overlook and even begin to enjoy the worst sex, or even the absence of it. This model is good for one use only. Requirements- Not an ounce of sense. Price- Ten or more years of your life.

Pride Paraphernalia

Rainbow Triangle- The perfect marriage for those who appreciate the symbolism of the upside-down pink triangle, but just don’t feel that it’s colorful enough. Available either with the colors of an equal width at horizontal angles, or with the colors at varying angles, ensuring that all colors receive equal representation, for all of those equality minded pride necklace wearers out there. Price- Anonymity.

Hand Markered Gay Pride Shirt- Wondering which gays they studied to determine that we have more disposable income than any other demographic? Spent your last five dollars at McDonald’s, but you still have a payment due at the title loan shop? That shouldn’t stop you from showing your pride! This t-shirt is hand designed with the words “I Can’t Even Think Straight” emblazed with resistant Sharpie finishing for the whole world to see. Every shirt is a guaranteed one of a kind. Price- Self respect.

Froot Loop Freedom Rings- Everyone knows that the life of a gay man can be full, with all the antiquing and chat room visits. So many times we’ve had to make the choice- eat or show pride. Not any more! This necklace uses six Froot Loops, one each of the required colors, in a fashionable and versatile statement of pride. You’ll be the envy of those at the park or the club. And at the end of the day, just dip it in milk for a tasty and nutritious meal or snack. Does not include toy prize. Price- A complete breakfast

Rainbow Scarf for the Dog- Who says that pride can’t exist within the animal kingdom? Well, if Blanche the Pomeranian’s fuscia sweater and dyed fur don’t make him look gay enough, tie one of these around his neck and watch him glow! Walk him with pride through the alleys of SoHo, knowing that your dog is just one of thousands proudly displaying the colors. Price- Your pet’s normal unconditional love.

Adult Novelties

Filet Away- Ladies, is that gal of yours wonderful to talk to and a pleasure to hold, but has an aftertaste? Is the sensation of trout turning you out? Why should you suffer through another bad buffet at Captain D's? With Filet Away tongue strips, you can discreetly and without hurting your lover's feelings accustome your taste buds to the fish tank of flavors that she has to offer. After only three days of use, we guarantee a smile on your face every time you dive down into the depths below. Available in five flavors- Red Snapper, Salmon Patties, Chinese Buffet Crab Legs, Tuna Melt and new Tangy Tilapia. Price- If you really need this, here, take it. It's free.

Pleasure Pongs- Just can't find the time to pleasure yourself the way you deserve anymore? Is the burgeoning career at McDonald's taking time away from physical pleasure? Well, who says you can't have a career and a good auto-sex life? Six balls to a set, the Pleasure Pongs are durable for use even during those seemingly endless dinner shifts under the arches. Your co-workers will never know exactly what the smile on your face is all about! Every time you reach for the spatula or bend over for the mayo, these balls interact with each other sending waves of pleasure all over your body. Price- Normal bowel control.

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