Stuck in the Mud
The Penthouse
Meet the Douchess Vagisilia
The sun sets over the horizon on the Douchdom of Huntsvegas. Her highness straightens her
wig and checks her eyelashes. She tightens the strap on her size 13 pump and sighs, "Thank
God for Payless." She walks to the throne and prepares to hold court. Everyone is in awe
to see the, uh, spectacle. Her sequins glimmer in the fading sun and are lost in the
diamond reflection of the Beaver Creek Swamp. She raises her head high, and the crowd
hushes as if she is about to speak the most important words ever. She nods in approval,
sways her hip, and says, "Hey! You'll be strong," to a cheering crowd, then lines up with
her low cut top protruding out ever so slightly to receive her tips.
Stuck in the Mud
20 March 1997
Good day, loyal subjects.
Well, well. Where to begin this time...
Word is out that after a horrible break-up between one subject, let’s call him Rainbow Boy
and, well, let’s call him Soggy, my loyal advisor Gumbi had a few choice words to say.
Here’s a nibble to keep you aroused...
Ten reasons you suck....
Ooo, get me some Evian. I’m parched.
But word is also that Rainbow Boy seemed to bounce back really nicely with the Albertville
invasion last week. Rainbow Boy was spotted by her highness herself on top of two (yes, two)
separate mountains with the guy. I guess that thin mountain air got to them both as they
seemed to be giving each other plenty of mouth to mouth...
Word in the alley also has it that another subject, let’s call him Krunch, was spotted
showing his true colors all up and down the famous by now River House runway pier. I guess
it was a little rough getting around with his heels stuck in the mud, but being a gay man, I
guess he knows all about getting things stuck in the mud...
Well, well my friends. That’s all for now! If you have any other tidbits you’d like to
share, let me know, so all the world can, too.
TTFN
Douchess Vagisilia
1. you dumped the sweetest guy in the world
2. you’re a krunchE #@**&
3. your %*@@! Is smaller than your brain (as if that could happen)
4. you breast feed a dog
5. oops! That’s just ben
6. you killed spammie!!!!!!!!!!
7. you get soggy in milk
8. you have dingleberries in your lips
9. the reason your gay is your mom is a lousy lay
10. but your dad isn’t ;)
The Totos
3 April 1997
Good day, loyal subjects.
In observance of a year of my rule and the recent Oscar ceremonies, your highness has
decided it’s time to bestow the Toto Awards, named after that little bitch that got Dorothy
into all of that trouble. (We all know her. She’s a friend to us all.)
Anyway, grab the vodka, schnapps, or whatever else is in your reach (don’t push it, honey)
and sit back and enjoy the show...
Best Shindig- Years celebration party at the river. A minimal amount of
fluids were expelled during this party, beit tears or, uh, you know...
Biggest Lush- Bekah, I am so mad at you! I was well on my way to winning
this! But you grabbed it all at the last party, hon. Kiss, kiss. Bitch.
Best Car- This was going to be close. It was between Twatty the Fag Mobile
and the family van. But that horn on Bekah’s land barge sunk them both.
Best Drag- I wanted to flip a coin, but the Douchess does not carry small
change (among other things.) So it was a tie between Jenny Talia and Miss Dixon Thangs.
Most Kickinest- Rashly, keep on kickin’. Maybe one day you’ll git... I mean
hit something.
Butchest Lesbian- I’m afraid to say... She might beat me up.
Best Breeder- That guy from the gas station who was so willing last week...
Queer of the Year- Me, of course. If anyone disagrees, come see me in my
cubicle!
There you have it.
TTFN
Douchess Vagisilia
10 May 1997
Good day, loyal subjects. Hush, hush now, while royalty speaks.
A dozen. Yes, count them, a dozen roses. But not for yours truly, but for a well known
subject called Rainbow Boy. Apparently, some “poorly proportioned” guy wants to make an
invasion of his own even though the Albertville invasion is still in full swing. Word is
that this guy claimed to be saving himself for Rainbow Boy and he would not listen to the
word “no.” Even after Rainbow Boy reminded the misguided soul that he was not the only one
receiving roses from him, the guy replied, “It’s nothing serious, you know.” So Rainbow Boy
answered the same. “You? No!”
Your Highness also hears that there was much animosity after the meeting of three subjects
and AOL Alabama M4M regular TanBiBoy/BigJckBro/ScrJcknAl. After the meal, it was apparent
that he was neither tan nor a jock. Unfortunately, the only truth he told was that he was
in Alabama.
And what’s this I hear? Two subjects taking the huge step to “co-habitation?” And they’re
not even dating? Call Guinness, because this may be the first time that a gay man can refer
to the other man he lives with as a “roommate” and not be lying...
Well, well, that’s all for now dear subjects!
TTFN
Douchess Vagisilia
7 July 1997
Good day, loyal subjects.
Shut up while I say my piece.
Sparks were flying in Big Spring Park last week, and I’m not talking about the Fourth of
July. I’m talking about a meeting between that slut Rainbow Boy and AOL’s soon to be famous
BhmBottomBoy. The poor soul from downstate thought he would have Rainbow Boy all to
himself, but yours truly and fellow member of royalty Queen Leslia made sure that wasn’t
going to happen.
Mr. Take-Me-to-the-Circus-Because-I-Like-it-Under-the-BIG-TOP made it quite clear early on
that my and Queen Leslia’s presence was neither desired nor required. The noble queen would
have none of that.
It wasn’t long before the respected Queen and Mr. Bottom were going at each other like two
fat trannies fighting over a Twinkie. And sure, Mr. Bottom got a few shots in when we
weren’t looking or those cheap dollar store lashes the queen had purchased as an impulse
shifted. But Queen Leslia sure as rain had the bomb. The same bomb that must have knocked
off every hair under that hide-it-under-a-cap-until-the-Rogaine-kicks-in head of his.
Poor, poor Upscale. First, evicted from it’s place on the hill and to a building one or two
steps from the ghetto. (That reminds me. I have a date.) Then just a dying shell of
itself, like many old Birmingham drag queens need to do, it shut its doors for the last time
recently. I remember the sweet and romantic times in the smoky confines of that bar, that
man showing his pink thing on the stand (and I don’t mean a rose, although it does poke just
as well.) Alas, it is all gone and all that’s left now is the Vieux Carre. Who knows what
this will do to gay life in Huntsville.
Many say that two bars cannot survive in a Douchdom the size of Huntsville. Maybe. Or
maybe two BIG-ASS clubs just can’t survive here. A nice gay bistro in Five Points would be
divine.
Well, I have to find the lesbian whose feminine hygiene products clogged the royal plumbing. Until next time,
TTFN
Douchess Vagisilia
13 November 1998
Good day, loyal subjects.
The other day I had some of my royal eunuchs think for me. And something entered their
minds. Every once in a while, we all just need to say thank you. Yes, even one as
privileged as I needs to get on my knees (that’s not the hard part) and, gulp, say thank you
to the world. So here are my kisses to you.
Well, where to begin? First the Douchess would like to thank the royal life givers. Thank
you, momma and daddy. Kiss, kiss. I love you both. Then the rest of the family, including
that bitchy queen Damanda Refund (we only say we’re sisters. That ugly skank looks nothing
like yours truly, but more like a dog’s dinner the day after.) I can’t forget my other
friends. I love them all!
Then there’s all them menses. Mmm, mmm, mmm... Tall and short. Known and unknown.
Perfect and just slightly less. There was Father D. Skreet and Paco. Then there was Mister
Dick Dixon. Who can forget him? I dunno...
But it sho’ as hell is obvious that he can forget me... I guess that all I was to him was a
cheap handshake... But to me, it was so much more. It was but a brief affair, but alas, I
will always love him.
There he was in the mall where we first met. I do hold a job, but only so that I do not
lose that special connection with the masses. But I digress. He was there, his bosom
heaving so hard against his tight, red shirt. His eyes shimmering in the glow of the food
court’s neon lights. But did he gaze at me? No. No...
Then I reached for the one thing between us. The one piece of merchandise barely holding us
together. A paperback he had special ordered. Not one on love or an antique. Some science
fiction thing, I don’t know. I grabbed it. My heart stopped as I approached the man who
drew my love with the shake of his hand. “Dick?” I said slowly, as if the elixir of life
were still flowing over my tongue.
He turned around. Nary a smile accompanied the word, “Yes?”
I wanted to run. I wanted to hide. But where would I go? Where could I go?
I handed him the book. The final piece was finally in his hand. He took it, and smiled as
if to say, “Thanks, toots. That’ll be all.” I turned my back. Thank goodness for the
gentle stranger waiting there for me with a magazine and Garfield pin. Garfield. Yes, I
used to be happy...
I ran as soon as I got the chance. Right past him and all of his deodorant-optional
cohorts. All smiling as he gave them the joy he stole from me. I never looked back. Until
I was safe. At the calendar stand we had next to the cookie shop.
A ring on the phone. Could it be him? No, it couldn’t. Another ring. Pick it up! I told
my heart. No! I answered. People were staring by then. But I didn’t care. No more pain!
I picked up the phone. It was Damanda Refund, that ugly skank I told you about earlier.
“Dick Dixon gave us a new address,” she said.
I tried to ignore it. But I went back to my old ways. Stalking. I must. It was the only
way, as well as a royal privilege.
“He didn’t get the book. It rang up $8.99. he said that guy ordered it for $5.99."
That guy... That guy... Was that all that I remained to him??? Another handshake?
Another how-do-you-do???
Apparently I was.
I held my hand and kissed it. I’ll never forget the man, a man so many will know, then
forget. The man called Dick. Dick Dixon.
Finally, I’d like to thank all the children who bring joy to this otherwise tacky world.
God bless you all...
Lord knows he won’t bless me...
TTFN
Douchess Vagisilia
STORY