I'll never forget the first time I went to a gay club. It was a Sunday evening in March so many years ago when I walked through that dark vestibule. Inside, it was smokey but open, dark but colorful. There were tons of other people, all just like me. They were standing around the dance floor as if waiting for something. Then, the music started. Out of a black door in the corner, a tall bouffant lady with a tall bouffant hairdo walked onto stage lip synching to some seventies disco song. She walked gracefully yet with authority draped in a long black robe. Then, just at that moment when the music started hitting just right, she opened the robe and spread her arms like the wings of a gay eagle. Her wings were the colors of the rainbow. My jaw hit the floor. I've loved these shows ever since.

Club Folk

Drag Queens- We all know the drag queen. Those fabulous dignitaries of the gay community. So often full of glamour with an attitude to match, they can sometimes be the most fun. But watch out. They can kill with their tongues.

Club Queens- Lycra and muscle shirts have found a home on these "bois." Catch them on the dancefloor, usually up on some platform, for everyone else to see.

Twinks- Young, sometimes straight acting, really young looking preppy guys with perfect hair and fresh faces. They are the embodiment of youth that is a virtue in the gay community.

Hawks- Young guys are often referred to as "chicken." Hawks are older men who are attracted to these young and unattainable men. Sometimes also referred to as trolls (if they're particularly gross.)

Bears- Usually men of girth and hair, younger ones can be known as cubs, older ones as bears although there is no clear standard. They can be thin or large, hairy or smooth, but usually have a fair amount of facial hair.

Leather Men- This secret and almost unspoken subculture does sometimes make its way into the club. Watch out for them. They'll pinch your nipples until they fall off.

Fag Hags- The dedicated servants of gay men. Don't try to approach one who is already assigned to her fag. They will bite. It's fun to watch two of them interact. Sometimes they fight. I hate them.

Lumberjills- Those cool, butch lesbians we love so much. They've moved from flannel and mullets to sports bras and fitted caps. An unappreciated and sexy bunch, they can be seen on the floor holding a bottle of beer while dancing.

Lipstick Lesbians- More often than not can be seen with the lumberjills. They trick the gay man's gaydar more than anyone else and occupy the straight man's fantasy more than anyone else.

Disclaimer- I know the above items are based wholly on stereotypes. But admit it. You know these people. There is usually at least a little bit of truth within the complexities of all rumors and stereotypes. This is to demonstrate the diversity within our own community. Enjoy yourself and quit being so damn angry.

Illusions

The time on the marquee says 11:00 pm. But don't worry about arriving early. Eleven translates to about eleven-thirty gay standard time. But at the right show with just the right talent, the wait is definitely worth it.

It should be easy to recognize the Artsy Drag Queen. They're the ones who like to lip sych to slow songs and show emotion in their plastered on faces. To them, doing drag is about more than just tips and gleaming costumes. It's about elevating the average drag show to the level of a respected and reputable art. I hate these.

I like the Flying Drag Queens, the ones who run, jump and flip their way through their numbers. Their high energy shows usually keep the audience on their feet and even knock a few patrons down with their high heel acrobatics. How they keep their wigs on and thingies tucked away I'll never know. But it doesn't matter. I love these shows.

There are the Tip Collecting Queens as well. These are the ones who are just so damn popular that all they have to do is walk from behind the curtains and lines of people are waiting to give them tips. Which is fine. But that's all their act consists of. Reaching out, grabbing a dollar, giving some lesbian a kiss... Repeat until the Missy Elliott song is over.

I love the Abrasive Queens as well. I love a queen who can work the crowds. I remember the Connection in Nashville had a great one. She would make all straight guys in the audience cower for fear of their lives. God, I wish I remembered what her name was. We simply called her "Joan Rivers." They were just alike.

Always a ton of aging fun are the Tired Queens. These are the ones who really should have hung up their wigs years ago. But after so many years doing drag, what else can you do? Youth is the most valuable commodity in the drag subculture. Once that's gone, you're just a ridiculed caricature of your former glamour.

That leads us to the dreaded Man Drag. What in the hell is the deal with this? A gay man dressing up like a straight man and lip syching to their songs? When one of these acts hits the stage, it's definitely time to turn to the bar.

Let's Dance

Above the drinks, the shows and the men, my favorite thing to do at a club is dance. I can let myself be carried away by the music. The booming sound moves me like I've lost control of my own body. And I guess I look okay doing it. Judging, at least, by the glazed look in the eyes of people around me.

I don't like to drink or do drugs in the club, so when I'm out there shaking my ass I'm au natural. That's a dangerous thing, too. If I look a little ridiculous or off balance on any given night, I have no excuse.

Here are some observations I've made during my many years on the dance floor-

- Do not take off your shirt unless you have the body to do so. I know that I have far from the best body in the world, so my shirt stays on. In fact, I usually have two shirts on with at least one tucked in.

- Do not get up on the platform for all of the world to see unless you're sure you have something the world wants to see. I know that we all think that we're glamourous on some level. But in a club there are many mirrors. Look into one.

- If you're interested in me and want to dance, by all means, approach me and let's start dancing. BUT, please wait until we at least know each others' name before you start grinding your ass into me. And NO touching of the no-no special place until I say so. No freebies.

- If anyone ever pinches my nipples again like that one guy did that one night, I'll destroy them.

Other than that, enjoy the music, have fun and... Come on over here...

The Restrooms

You've tried holding it all night, but you just downed one slippery nipple too many. You hold your breath and head for the restroom door as a guy smelling of that night's man walks out. It creaks as it opens then slams shut. The place is empty and quiet except for the sound of rustling behind closed stalls. You head for the one that's open. You enter and try to lock it, but there is no lock. You look down and see three holes with anonymous eyes staring at you. Dare you take the bait and peek through?

                 

Top Venues

Club Upscale- Huntsville, AL
Club Upscale, during its height in 1996, was the ultimate gay bar in the state of Alabama. Located on top of a hill overlooking the city, the club was packed on any given Saturday. People used to come up from Birmingham to enjoy its three bars and large, glowing dance floor. Then it closed. A few years ago it opened back up and now seems to be gaining back its former glory. Unfortunately, the club closed again in May of 2006.

Ozz/Vieux Carre- Huntsville, AL
Ozz, formerlly known as the Vieux carre, is the club with staying power. It has been a fixture in the city longer than me. Located among warehouses just outside of downtown, it boasts two bars, a large porch, and a great dance floor complete with high-ass ceilings. I'll always remember this as the first gay bar that I ever attended. The Friday and Sunday night shows starring Tierra Stone are first rate.

Bill's Club- Birmingham, AL
I frequented Bills, a small, neighborhood lesbian bar located in downtown with my best friend (a lesbian) when I lived in the tragic city years ago. We became regulars there, attending up to four nights a week. I started dating the DJ, she started seeing all the sporty chicks she could get her hands on. A great, intimate place to hang out. Definitely one of my favorites, but unfortunately I hear today that it's no longer a girl bar.

Connection- Nashville, TN
All the size queens should have loved Connection. It was nearly 50,000 square feet of bi-level queer party-ment. There was a large country and western bar, the most awesome dance floor in the south, and a two level auditorium dedicated to the Connection's famously entertaining drag show. It even hosted a concert or two during Nashville's famous country music Fan Fare. It can only be enjoyed today in memory as it has shut its doors for good.

The Cuff- Seattle, WA
Of the many clubs I have ever been to in my life, The Cuff is my favorite. It's just being in Seattle was one thing, but the men really made it for me. It wasn't brimming with skinny club kids trying to outdo each other on the platform, but real men! Blue collar, unshaven, I-can-change-your-oil-in-fifteen-minutes-or-less men. The club itself is like a maze and the dance floor is inviting. There is a large outdoor patio and "dog run" (there are many wearing collars there...) Don't get me wrong. It wasn't a leather or bear bar. Just acres of everyday men.

Southern Nights- Orlando, FL
Southern Nights is small but popular club and was an instant hit with me. The dancefloor is nice and the music is great, but the best thing about the club are the shows. There is an intimate little showroom away from the blaring music. And in this place I saw shows that rivaled the late nineties greats at Connection and that blew away those of the now-closed and overrated Backstreet in Atlanta. Carmella Marcella Garcia keeps everyone in stitches while Cezanne does great high energy in a fabulous mid-week celebration of gayness. Definitely one to check out.