Shadows surround you as walls of bricks rise up around you. The sun shines high in the sky, yet you are obscured in darkness. You see no one, but feel that you aren't alone. Out of the furthest reaches of your vision, you see a pair of eyes following you. Then you see a smile. It walks out of the shadows. He picks you up and carries you to a brighter place. Isn't fiction great? Well, I remember a time when I felt ashamed to look at those I so desired just because they were of the same sex. But not any more. I love men! They are strong, sexy and beautiful. Their low baritone voices seem to boom off the walls around you. Masculinity turns me on as much as a good sense of humor. Men, men, men... If only they didn't act like such... Men.

Sex Between Friends

“Gay men have it so easy,” a straight friend of mine used to say. I asked him to elaborate. “I mean when it comes to sex. Women need so much more than the physical part. They need emotion. They need cuddling. They need to talk. When there’s just two guys, you can just go at it.”

If you think about it, this can be true. Men are so visually and sexually driven. Men don’t try to hide that they love the physical aspect of sex and really need no emotional attachment to enjoy it. Women, on the other hand, usually need some kind of this emotional attachment in order to enjoy or even have sex.

He always said that women were the stop-check in man’s conquest of all women. No matter how, well, ready they were, they needed a woman to be just as ready. And men know that it doesn’t take much to make us ready. A hint of a boob or a peak at a bare chest and BOOM! We’re ready to go. But if she’s not, the alternatives are usually to hold her until she is (and all of that usually makes a guy unready) or to take care oneself.

Gay men, he said, don’t have to deal with this. Men are always ready. He said there was nothing there to stop us from just doing it whenever we wanted and wherever we wanted.

I couldn’t say that I disagreed. I mean, I remember those afternoons when I was living with my boyfriend, we’d be watching t.v. innocently enough when some beach or truck commercial would come on. Five minutes later we were going at it.

“The world is so bent toward gays,” some would also say. “You can sneak peaks in an all-male bathroom and even at the strictest of colleges with segregated dorms, two guys can screw every night and no one would know. We just don’t have that freedom.”

I usually just nod and give them time for one more sip from their Milwaukee’s Best. “Well, next time you're holding hands with your girlfriend in the park, try and think of the last time you saw two guys do that there. And the next time she steals a kiss from you in the local Ruby Tuesday and everyone says, 'Ahh...,' think about how my boyfriend can't put his arm around me without both of us being cursed and called a couple of faggots. Just think about that.”

One Night Stands

“One night stands? Who needs a whole night?”

We’ve all thought this. Hell, most of us have done it. There are variations, of course. The one afternoon stand. The just after dinner and before the evening news stand. The trip to the bathroom stand.

I can say that I have been involved in a fair amount of the aforementioned acts. I mean, who hasn’t? A good one night stand (when done safely) can be healthy and good for you. And by safe, I mean meeting guys from out of town. When I first got on with the airlines, I was the traveling slut. I’d meet guys in Los Angeles, Norfolk and Atlanta, fly to see them and fly back relieved.

What’s safe about this? Well, you don’t risk that awkward meeting in the produce section of Kroger when you really hoped you’d never see each other again.

But sometimes when the opportunity presents itself, you have to take it. Even when it’s local. Like the one guy who took me skinny dipping on the Tennessee River in the middle of the night. It was so romantic the way he threw rocks in the water to scare off the snakes so that they wouldn’t bite our bare asses. Or the Japanese guy who’s name I never got (how do you say “Trick” in Japanese?) Or that other guy who I ended up with on a friend’s parents bed while she and her girlfriend played Heart and Soul on the piano.

Thankfully, those days are over. One night (or one afternoon, bathroom, etc.) stands get old. They turn into simple substitutions for the old right hand. And who needs that? I mean, I’ll never run into my right hand with a car load of his friends passing in front of me waving and hollering.

Cheesecake and Potatoes

What kind of man do I like? Although my friends describe me as one of the pickiest sons-uh-bitches on the planet, I actually like a whole variety of guys. I mean, there are guys I would have sex with (a very large category) and those whom I would date (a very small category.)

Okay, now let’s dump all the guys in the would-have-sex-with category who are marginally attractive but would do in a pinch. What we have left are the cheesecake and the potatoes.

Getting hungry? Me, too.

We all like the stereotypical gay man. Ripped, perfect, Abercrombie-just-hasn’t-discovered-me-yet bodies with piercing eyes and perfect hair. No blemishes anywhere on their body. Carved out of stone by God herself. Are absolutely beautiful and they know it. They are the cheesecake.

We all love cheesecake (except for a few cynical freaks.) So rich and creamy, goes down smoothly especially with strawberry topping. But what happens when you eat cheesecake everyday? You get sick of it. It loses it’s flavor. Just looking at it turns your stomach. Besides, more than likely others have been taking a bite of your cheesecake. And who wants to share?

Then there are the potatoes. Mine can be defined as shorter, stockier guys, thick around the middle, dark hair, born in the seventies... These men, like potatoes, I could live off of. Every meal of every day could have a few potatoes with my never getting tired of them. I mean him.

Specifically, I like men around my height, Caucasian to just a slight touch of olive, short dark hair (I love shaved heads,) facial hair not a requirement, with meat on their bones. I like for them to be up to five years older or younger than me (I was born in 1975, so basically born in the seventies.) I love imperfections. A scar. A blemish or two. An extra or missing finger (I have two webbed toes on each foot myself.)

I am nowhere near perfect and I don’t like for my men to be either. It’s a pretty simple equation. But, I’ve only ever turned down the cheesecake every once in a while...

Projectiles

God, being gay can be such a hassle. You meet a someone and everything is just so perfect. When you’re straight, all you have to worry about is Do they like me as well. But when you’re gay, there’s something else that is just as important. First, you have to find out, Is he gay?

I don’t like to meet guys in gay clubs or antique stores, where that first question is already answered by default. I usually find my perfect man in a sexual void like in class or at work.

When I was in college, there was this guy in one of my classes. He was absolutely beautiful. He was only five years younger than me, studying to be a lawyer, had dark hair and a perfect body for my taste. He dressed superbly and had a low and gruff voice that gave me chills whenever he spoke. At that point, my gaydar was of no use. I was already too close to the situation.

So, my dysfunctional self projected. Everything he did revealed his desire that he is not only gay, but that he wanted me. He just didn’t know it yet.

When he asked for some notes, he was saying he loved me. When he turned and looked at me, he was saying he loved me. When he walked past me without saying a word, he was saying he loved me.

Pretty sad, huh? But it kept me going to class, so I took it.

One time my projections were correct. He was gay, but he just didn’t know it yet. I helped him out of the closet. I was there during the tough times when he was questioning everything about himself. Then I watched as he met someone- besides me- and started a relationship.

That was okay. Another guy walked in right after. And I could swear, by the way he looked at me, that he wanted me.

The Game Room

?- What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?
!- See you next month!

?- What do you call a gay dinosaur?
!- Megasoreass!

?- Why do gay men have moustaches?
!- Hide the stretch marks!

?- What do you call a can of tuna on a lesbians coffee table?
!- Potpourri!

Gay Pick-up Lines=
"I'm looking for fun... I've got the f and the n, all I need is YOU!"
"Do you use Windex on yo' dra'ers? Cuz I can sho’ see myself in them!"
"I lost my phone number... Can I borrow yours?

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